so its almost christmas in about two hours ... and im not feeling the christmas spirit actually .. i just wanna open the gift my mom gave me so badly !!!!!!! i feel like its a windbreaker ..... but honestly i dont know .. but , the truth is .. i dont wanna anything for christmas i feel like everyday i just want to have more and more and never appreciate it .. i just end up loosing it , or breaking it ... i dont deserve expensive things , besides christmas isnt about gifts it about the birth of jesus .. okay im going to stop ..

i just wanna tell everyone have a merry christmas and a happy new year :)

so its been awhile since i wrote on here... i just got home from my friends party .. now i have a headache , and eyes sting .. but its okay its worth it ..
Today i learned things and found out some things .. first i wanna say is about that "text".. if you read this you know who you are ..

HER:You really wanna know what it said well here it is " omfg , why her barf" thats what it said , when i left you asked me about it ,you said i saw the text you jealous ? .. well obviously i am jealous because a fricken 8th grader .. like come on ... your probably thinking wow she still likes me , well honestly i dont like you in that way but i still have feelings for you that wont go away .I may like you that when i rememeber things from our past because i really missed that but im not self controled. I know that sometime it seems like i dont even give a shit about you when deep down i do .. i know that you dont have feelings for me either but , it doesnt matter .. your life my life we cant control eachothers life. Sometimes i know i may be fricken stupid , and sometimes annoy you , and even sometimes i hate you. But yenno what thats life , we all go through things that we hate and dislike .. and this is one thing i dislike "HER" and im not afraid to say it

Life Control : I cant always get what i want because life is made up of choices and full of emotions .. so i have to deal with things no matter how hard it hurts.

I knew all my Dreams were coming true when you came into my life. I remember thinking that I felt like you were meant for me. Its hard knowing that things have changed, and
Dreams have changed, but mostly everything that you want in life has changed.
I was special to you that’s what you said. I used to thank God that you were mine, and then I would thank him for your love to grow more for me each day..
No one can tell a person though how it feels to have the eyes that once deeply adore the view, what it would be like after seven years .faith fades, and angry words can leave you lost and alone. Wondering.....could I leave? Why?
Why did I give my heart to you, why did I fall for you?
I wish I could stop loving you, that I could remove every memory of you out of my head forever. I wish that I could leave you and never miss you.sometimes i think you You say you would pick me, But when it comes down to it, will you? I think about you every night before I go to sleep,Wishing you were here with me, Or thinking about where you are and what your doing,And wishing I was there with you.Every time I see your name in my inbox,I smile.I could be having the worst day ever, And one text from you could turn it around, Just a simple "hey" could make my day. This letter is for me, not you, because I am not at that point yet. I still love someone that doesn't love me. Dreaming that you loved me was the nicest Dream I've ever had , I guess it was all a Dream....

honestly ive been so out of it latley

sleeping at 300am ...
doing so bad in basketball
spending so much money
not getting anything done in time
incomplete homework
headaches , all the time

im never like this .. i have no idea whats wrong with me
i cant even think whats wrong with me , or whats even bothering me
is it because im thinking to much on so many things that
ive been getting headaches latley..
or is that i think somethings wrong , and its just nothing ! .......
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

after all of this time i tried
i found out i was living a lie
and after all of this love that we made
i know now you don't love me the same
its just the way that i love you

I woke up really early today , and
i was caught at the moment of thinking
I felt like you were hinding something
But i didnt do anything about it
just sat there wondering what ?

I try to act like im myself
but deep down i didnt wanna believe it
but there it was you and "her"
EVverything you bought and said
and now i'm sitting here looking like damn
i thought it was you and i
now im sitting her thinking WHY ?

You loved me, but wanted her
was love not good enough for you?I feel your pain, I feel your thoughts,
I feel your fear, but it is her that you want!

am I nothingness,
am I ugliness,
am I your pain you want pushed away?

You said i was your everything,
but yet, you want someone else.
she will make you feel nothing,
is that what you want
to be nothing

You are the world to me,
and that is why I can not see why
that you tell me that you love me, but you
want her

now that we started talking again ..
all i could ever think about is you ..
i know you already apologize for everything you did to me..
the way you treated me , the way you were a jerk to me ..
they way that you pretend to be my friend .. basically i can name
everything but right now im not selfish enough to say it all
i just wanted to forget everything we've been through
honestly .. but i cant , whenever i look at "teddy" i think of you
whenever i see a private call i assume its you ..
when i answer my phone and nobody talks i wait for you to answer ..
thats how much of a friend i want to be, i know youve been really fucked up latley
my friends been coming up to me "i dont think you should leave him , he needs your help"
well , yeah when they told me that i cant leave your side and i promised you i wouldnt
so through thick or thin .. im always going to be part of you until the end

okay so we won our first game 51_17 good job .. now im on the bus writting in my blog cause there isnt anyone to talk to about how i feel about you .. i was about to fall asleep until i hear jasmine and cathlyn singing " no matter what i do all i think about is you" and it got me thinking thats fucken true .. i thought this trip i wouldnt think about you but fuck i am... i really fricken miss you no matter what anyone says about you ..i told you i liked you and you probably know that and never in my life i thoguhht this day would come i cant stop thinking about you ........... your my friend , my brother anything i could ever imagne ..... i miss you

i really cant think anymore
its like im over you , but at the same time im not
when im with my friends i dont think of you
but when it comes to talking to you on msn or seeing you i get :$
honestly i dont get it , is this how love is suppose to feel ?
when they message you , you smile ?
when you hear their name you giggle or think of him ?
what is this all suppose to mean to me..
its been such a long time , and im still confused about you
i feel like i should give up and give it time and talk to you again
but everyday you make me so much happy. Even with just a "hey"
is this how love suppose to be,
honestly why is life and love so complicated
the two most majour things that will ever happen to you , are so complicated
you have to be commited , understanding , trust , and patient
cause not all the time you get the things you want , not all the time its perfect
maybe once in awhile but never all the time.
just because of one smile you have me going crazy , thinking about how i feel
tell me, am i falling inlove? because i dont know ..
i cant believe its taking me this long , but love has to wait .. even if it takes forever

nothing lasts forever, thats is true
trying to forgive and find a way to believe
im hurting , and i know its not east but believe in me
sometimes i always wonder why ?
why do we argue over stupid little tihngs?
why we aint togther ?
instead of fighting ?
what went wrong
what did i do wrong ?
i cant say the truth or maybe ever lie ..
your the only thing thats on my mind
we went through our and ups and went through our downs
now lets keep it in the middle till we no longer frown
ill be by your side no matter what happens
cause i told you " id be with you forever no matter what" ...
ill help you through the thick and thin
cause im that friend who will be there , and help you
no matter how much it hurts , that i want to be with you
ill be your friend and help you through all whatever makes you happy
that is my promise



Definition of Alexa:
The most wonderful girl you can ever meet. Caring, loving, smart and beautiful. The one that will be there for you all the time, the one who will wipe your tears dry. The one who's laugh can make your day, the one who's smile shines like the Sun. Her eyes will captivate you, someone you can hold tight and truly care for, because she makes you feel special, because she loves you.

when worse comes to worst my friend come first
your smile it makes me smirk
sometimes the only part im sure about life is the part
i share with you..

"love is like friendship on fire"

the greatest thing youll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return
if im not what you want then dont act like i am
you cant control your heart, because it controls you
sometime i just want to say i love you but sometimes
it isnt true..

but one thing ill always rememeber is that
when i wake up in the morning with more and more regrets
so love the person who treats you right with respect
who will love you for who you are, forget about the ones that dont
and believe everything happens for a reason, if you get a chance
take it if you believe it will change you life into good. Nobody
said that life would be easy. All you have to do is cherish every single
moment of it.


ps;the worst thing about being lied to, is knowing you werent the truth
promises mean everything but once they are broken you werent meant anything.

"you know your in love when you cant fall asleep
because reality is finally better than your dreams"
-Dr.Seuss

i try turning on my tv to try to get you out of my head
i try to read a book to get you out of my head
why does this hurt so bad..
i want to talk to you the way i talked to you before
i want to tell you , everything the way i tell you everything before
i cant think about myself anymore ..
im selfish, crazy , alone...i cant take it anymore
am i over you ? .. am i inlove with you? ..
am i just not good for you?.. were not meant to be?
i wish i could tell this all to you but not right now
youll just have to wait till i actually know the truth about you

ill make this quick...
i think about you ..
i listen to you...
i trust you..
i believe in you..
i help you..
i loved you...
now i like you ....




but im still confused about you

im the one who understand you
im the one who knows you
im the one who needs you
im the one who respects you
im the one who believes in you
im the one who deserves you
your the one i want and need ...
i believe i cant live without you
honestly , im confused
no understandable .....
but no matter what ill tell you when im ready

maybe love isn't what it always seems
its a roller coaster of fear and happiness in life
i guess, things were meant to be apart
i understand that , people come and go
and people stay forever .. but when they stay
you go through ups and downs and learn from them
to become a better and stronger person to love them
more than you did before, choose the ones you love
wisely because you don't want a broken heart again.



&thanks for the help today ,thanks for being my bestfriend

Sometimes I wish I could take back everything, the way we talked the way we laughed
But still I can't stop thinking bout what i'd do without you
but at the same time i don't need you
But now I know what I gotta do , but its just i cant get rid of you
I can't ever change you, its who you are to me that counts
but am i good enough for you ? .. cause i think i'm not. no matter what i do and what i say and how i act nothing works
but from my truth ... i'm confused .. i don't even want to think about how much i like"d" you ... , you were the one who made me smile , on the rough times who made me cry for no reason , and you even remember them you told them to me.. have you ever thought back when it was you and me ? ... i think its time for me to tell you i still like you but at the same time its not the time. i dont want to tell you because
im afraid ;
im sacred
im shy
i know its all these stupid reason but its true.
i cant just tell you , because i heard one time someone told you
and you guys never talked anymore and i dont want that to happen to us ...
i really dont because you make me feel
alive
happy
wonderful
about myself , thats what i like about you
im scared , so plesae help me
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"How can you messure the promise of love
When it's weighing against a chance that comes once
How can I leave when I know he's the one
When the dust settles he might now be here
And I'm standing with you in this terminal
Crying my eyes out in tears"